"Every single person who's drifted in and out of your life is a part of your divinely chosen experience. As you move into the world of inspiration, you'll find it easy - and even necessary - to give thanks for all these people, and to take serious note of what they brought you" - Dr. Wayne Dyer
September 8, 2006 Friday at 7:28AM
Chatting with my brother Timothy and Lito and My sister in-law ate Imee. Mama's Yahoo Messenger Icon was Online. Mama was tired that day. She went to work and got so worn out.
Mama got checked in the Hospital yesterday night (September 15, 2006). Today is September 16, 2006 Saturday 7:00 AM and headed to Calgary to work. I got called by Luke saying he needed me to go there. So with Ron's help, off we go.
September 16, 2006
On the Road again. Mama is always on my mind. Really worried about her being sick but knowing she will be doing ok. I was just talking to her recently and she was going to be just fine. Prayers to God please let my Mom be OK.
It was on September 18, 2006 - Mama had just passed away at 7AM in the hospital. I couldn't think normal for a quite a long time. I find myself in shock and disbelief and silent tears just kept flowing endlessly. Never have I felt so much pain and sorrow in my entire life. I couldn't fly to the US. I didn't have a visa! I was like losing my mind. I didn't know what to do. My life was falling apart. I called the US Embassy right away. I had to see mama.
Grabe. I don't even know how to start. I am crying like crazy here trying to figure out how to even say it. FACTS: yesterday morning at 7AM. Sept 18, 2006 - in San Diego. My Mother Died of Colon Cancer. Chemo Therapy complications Blood Pressure Drop, Both Kidneys Failing, Toxic Poisoning etc. She will be Cremated (I don't know when just yet - also depends if I get visa or not). Her ashes will be buried in San Diego (Where Jerry - her husband and my step father) will be buried too when his time comes. It was her wish. To be buried in the family plot. She died alone in a hospital bed. None of us her kids made it there to even visit her in the hospital while she was alive, She died in her sleep. Ang sakit isipin, I never even got to hug her or kiss her or touch her. The last time I saw her was in Calgary in 2004. Because I didn't have a US Visa I never had the chance to visit her. In my mind, I thought she would be with us a long time. That she would live to be 90+ so I took my time and just called her regularly. She was always cheerful and sometimes we would talk more than half an hour. Ang hirap, para akong mababaliw. I wish you were all close by. Hirap talaga ng magkakalayo. Tonight gusto ko maglasing with friends, pagkatapos. Gusto ko lang matulog ng matulog , alam naman niyo ganun ako pag depressed diba? puro tulog- but I Can't do that. I have to work and focus on getting all the paper work done to get a US Visa the soonest possible time. My ability to even get to the US is at the mercy of the US embassy. If I can't get it done right then I never will get there. I am so stressed. I think I got it all put together though. Just some few paper work for tommorrow - kumpleto na siguro. Financially, I can't even afford to travel and pay for the fees and expenses. I feel so low and so helpless and useless. Sh*t ! ano ba naman ito!! Buti nalang Ron is here. He has been keeping me sane somehow. Mas Iyakin at mangit pa nga siya sa akin e. hehehe. Akala ko nung hindi na ako mahinto sa kakaiyak ako na ang super mangit of the world. Daigin ba naman ako. But evertime i see him crying for me I get reminded - ok tama na ang iyak iyak - mag focus na ako sa kailangng kong gawin para makapunta sa US. A black sad cloud hangs over myhead 24 hours a day....I don't know kung kelan ako magiging feeling normal ulit. Maybe soon. Hopefully soon. Love you all. Miss you guys. Sana ganun kadali na makasama ko kayo sa mga oras na ito. Hirap talaga. Miss ko kayo. Dibale. Hindi ko naman hahayaang mabaliw ako. Ang sakit. Dami ko gusto sabihin, hindi ko man lang alam kung paano ko sasabihin. I'm so sad. so sad i can't even think. I am not even sure if this email is making sense at all. basta saka na. saka ko na babasahin ang sinusulat ko...
September 22, 2006 at 10:22 PM
I got an emergency appointment at the US Embassy in Vancouver and was finally given a VISA that same day - 4 days after mama had passed away. Everything suddelnly seems surreal at moments and I found out that will be like that for days to come.
September 22, 2006
Looking down at San Diego from the airplane. I see the place where she spent the last 6 years of her life. My dear mama, we never even got to do the things we have always planned on doing together in San Diego. The sadness and regrets I had. If only I had worked harder on getting a visa last year then maybe we could have done all those. Once again, it seems like everything is surreal. This must be just a bad dream. I go blank. I am there but not really there. Like a zombie I was - sitting there filled with regrets and sadness.
September 25, 2006
Mama's funeral. I had no desire whatsoever to take photos that day. I saw mama's dead body for the first time in a brown casket. I looked at it and had to tell myself that that is no longer my mom. That was just her body. Mama's essence lives on. The presence of her physical death was too painful for me to deal with. Thanks to my cousin Michelle for taking the camera. It now helps me deal with the reality of mama's passing.
September 26, 2007
Mama's Burial Service was at the Alpine cemetary. It was a bright and sunny day. It was peaceful and serene day. It felt like summer. I could ever hear the birds chirp. In my mind I know that mama wants me to be happy now. I could almost feel the warmth of her hug and her love telling me she is in a much better place away from all the pain and suffering. That I must let her go now.
September 26, 2007 We buried mama's ashes into the ground. Surreal as it felt to me, I had to snap out of it. Beside her grave I quietly whispered my goodbye to her and thanked her for all the love that she has given me and everyone else. I thanked her life that she had unselfishly shared with me and my family. I asked her to help me heal. I will miss her so much. That I will never ever forget you and the love you have taught me. I will always love you mama. Someday we will be together again all in God's perfect time.
September 28, 2006
Flying back to Canada - I look out to the clouds and think that mama is back with God and now on a different level of her journey. Her physical journey has come to pass. She had now graduated and now on a much much higher level surrounded by the love of God. It must be beautiful there where she is now. She only lived 56 years.
My family members and relatives in the US who have given me so much love and support when I was at my weakest. I love you all!