1999

My hair was platinum blond (really white). I was 23 years old. It was one of the most daring things I have ever done with my hair (I never did anything daring before then because I was always trying to please everybody).

I remember using the experience to test myself whether I could handle the pressures of being EYED, ridiculed, judged and laughed at by people.

1999_a_2

I was called by total strangers as "Asi Taulava" (A Filipino basketball star who had the same hair style) I loved my hair! But I kept it only 2 weeks not because I couldn't stand the pressure but because I had to attend the formal wedding ceremony of my best (girl) friend. I wanted to be respectful. (Once again I succumbed to an approval -seeking behavior (or was it just being intelligent?). Oh... who ever said it was easy to grow up?

It was at this age after having had a few girlfriends and not being really happy in my sexual relationships that I realized I am gay.

All my life I was just trapped in different forms of approval-seeking behaviors and putting more importance in what others thought and expected of me rather than what I thought about myself. My self worth was based on what my family, friends and members of the church thought about me instead of my own truth. I stopped existing and started living.

But such things were necessary for my maturity to come along. I am ever grateful for the experiences I had gone through. I believe this was actually one of my many attempts to SCREAM and announce to the world that I am Gay. Just didn't have the guts to actually put them in words back then. This hair thing was a start. But at some point in my life It had to start saying something. I came out to my mother in 2002 and my Best friends (who are all straight men) in 2003 and finally to the rest of the world through this blog October 2006. It was never easy. But it was necessary.

I am now comfortable about being gay and you should too, because that's just the way things are. If you are ashamed of me, well that's your problem and not mine. I have to think that way, otherwise I would just die. I nearly did.

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